How to Make Friends

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There's a certain beauty in being a lone wolf (people with no friends). You have more time to do things you want to do, like talk to yourself, play solitaire, write poetry, or try to carry that couch into your new apartment all by yourself. If that's not your bag, though, there are literally billions of potential friends in the world. What's more, many of these people want to make friends just as much as you do. So just follow these steps to meet new people and form strong, lasting friendships.

Steps

Get out and meet people! If you want to make friends, you first need to meet people. No matter where you live, this should be fairly easy. Just in case you're stumped, here are just a few suggestions.
- If you're in school or work and have a lot of co-workers and peers, you're surrounded by potential friends for a large portion of your day. A way to make a friend is to not be shy; go up to that person ask questions, like "what is your name?" "Are you on a team?" Act friendly and be honest and trustworthy.
- Join a club with people of common interests. You don't necessarily have to have a lot of common interests with people in order to make friends with them--in fact, some of the most rewarding friendships are between two people who don't have much in common at all--but if you have something in common with people, it can make it a lot easier to talk to them and plan activities initially. Whatever your age and whatever your interests, there is a club or organization for you.
- Join a team. Especially if you're in school, joining a sports team can be great way to make friends. A common misconception about this is that you have to be really good at playing a particular sport in order to make friends with others on the team, or if you're in elementary school just join a sport or do drama with your friend . As long as you enjoy the sport or other activities, try your best, and acknowledge that you're not a pro, your teammates will usually be more than happy to accept you for who you are.
- Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way for people of all ages to meet others. By working together you build bonds with people, you could maybe even join girl scouts, or cub scouts because you'll be doing charity work and also making friends that way, the fact that you're devoting your time to something free of charge shows that you're compassionate and unselfish, two traits of good friends.
- Get online. In general, the internet isn't a great place to make real friends, the kind who will be there for you when you really need them. Never use the internet to meet some one you now will consider your "best friend". You don't know this person and making them your best friend will not do anything good in your life. If you live in a really isolated place, the internet can also help you find other people around the world that share your interests.
Talk to people. You can join a club, go to school, or go to church, and you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. By the same token, you don't have to be involved with an organization to talk to people, and any time you talk to someone, you have a chance at making a lasting friend. You can talk to anybody: the clerk at the video store, the person sitting next to you on the bus, or the person in front of you on the lunch line. Don't be picky. Most conversations will be a dead-end of sorts, in that you may never talk to that person again or you'll just remain acquaintances, but once in a while you'll actually make a friend.
- Introduce yourself early in the conversation. Your name doesn't necessarily need to be the first thing out of your mouth, but if you're looking to make friends, knowing each other's names is a good start. Once you introduce yourself, the other person will typically do the same. Remember his or her name, and use it later in the conversation.
- Make small talk. Friends can talk about just about anything, but you don't want to get too personal when you first meet someone. Just make good, inoffensive small talk at first.
- Open up the opportunity for another meeting. When you meet someone whom you think might make a good friend, try to exchange contact information. This is especially important if you meet someone who you aren't otherwise likely to meet again. Seize the day!
- If you've discovered that the person you're talking to has a common interest, ask him or her more about it and, if appropriate, whether they get together with others, in a club, for example, to pursue this interest. If so, this is a perfect opportunity to ask about joining them. If you have a club, band, church, etc. that you think they might enjoy take the opportunity to give them your number or email address and invite them to join you.
- If you're new in town or at school and are just looking to meet people, don't be afraid to mention this. People are often excited about meeting new people, showing them around, and introducing them to their friends.
Be fun to be around. You don't have to be a superstar to be fun. You don't even have to do cartwheels. You do need to be positive and friendly, however, so that people feel good when they're around you. From the very first conversation you have with someone, you should use body language to convey that you are affable, non-threatening, and approachable. Smile frequently, laugh often, and make eye contact. In your words, be confident, but don't be cocky, condescending, or mean-spirited.
Be a good listener. Many people think that in order to be seen as "friend material" they have to appear very interesting. Far more important than this, however, is the ability to show that you're interested in others. Listen carefully to what people say, remember important details about them (their names, their likes and dislikes), ask questions about their interests, and just take the time to learn more about them. People love to talk about themselves, and the easiest way to be likeable is to listen. You don't want to be the guy or girl that always has a better story than anyone else or that changes the subject abruptly instead of continuing the flow of conversation. These people appear too wrapped up in themselves to be good friends.
Be reliable. The steps above are great for making acquaintances, but how do acquaintances become lifelong friends? One important trait of a good friend is reliability. When you say you'll do something, do it. Be someone that people know that they can count on.
Be trustworthy. One of the best things about having a friend is that you have someone to whom you can talk about anything, even secrets that you hide from the rest of the world. The key to being a good confidante is the ability to keep secrets, so it's no secret that you shouldn't tell other people things that were told to you in confidence. Before people even feel comfortable opening up to you, however, you need to build trust. Be honest about yourself and your beliefs, and don't gossip about others or spread rumors.
Be there. You've probably heard of fair-weather friends. They're the ones who are happy to be around you when things are going well, but are nowhere to be found when you really need them. Part of being a friend is being prepared to make sacrifices of your time and energy in order to help out your friends. If a friend needs help with an unpleasant chore, or if he or she just needs a shoulder to cry on, be there.
Be true to yourself. A good friend sometimes does things he or she doesn't want to do, such as helping a friend move or going to see a band that you don't really like, but you should never feel pressured to do something you think is wrong. Stay true to your convictions and beliefs, and if this causes you to lose some friends, you're better off without them. You'll also find that your integrity may help you win a lot of other friends, and if you just be yourself you'll make friends who like you for who you are.

Tips

Accept everyone for who they are and never bring anyone down or try to change someone (especially if they've done nothing to hurt or offend you). This communicates insecurity. If you don't get along with someone, try avoidance instead of creating a rivalry.
Always trust your gut feelings about people. If you feel someone (as nice as they may seem) is not the right person to make friends with, then move along.
Don't be clingy or annoying. Over-obsessing over someone makes you seem weird and strange, not friendly.
You never want to seem desperate. Don't chide acquaintances for failing to invite you to a party, for example; don't call someone over and over or stop by uninvited; and never overstay your welcome anywhere. In general, take friendship slowly, and don't try to become close to somebody right away. The move from acquaintance to friend can take a long time, and if you appear too clingy, potential friends may think you're too much work.
Keep the lines of communication open. Lasting friendships don't just happen. They require work, especially if one friend moves away for an extended period or for good. Even if you don't get to see a friend, you should try to call or email him or her regularly just to check in and say "hi." With any luck, they'll do the same. It's easy to lose friends to distance, but it isn't necessary.
It's easier to be yourself than to be someone who you are not because the only reason true friends want to be friends with you is because of your personality. But if you decide to act a certain way around people, nobody will know who you really are.

Warnings

Don't try to change yourself in order to fit in to make new friends. If you have to change yourself to be with a group of people then they are not worth being friends with.
Remember, never leave old friends because you like someone else more. This is a big, bad mistake. It's great to have different groups of friends, but if you abandon one group for another, you may soon find yourself without any friends at all.
Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right. If one of your friends is doing something that you know is wrong, confront them. If you're a friend, you won't let them do the wrong thing.
Be careful about getting together with people that you meet online. They might not be who they say they are.
Don't try to buy friends by giving people gifts or money. While it's nice to give a friend a gift sometimes, if you go overboard it's creepy. A person who will "be your friend" because you buy him or her things probably just likes things, not you.
It is good to identify your own aims and objectives in life so that genuine and honest firends with common interests [not flatterers or cheats] would come together as friends, even though casual contacts may continue to exist.

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Tuesday, June 03, 2008