How to Be Assertive

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To be assertive isn't to say you are mean or rude. It doesn't make you pushy or annoying. It just means that you say the truth and get things done.

Steps

1. Appearance. - How you look tells a lot about you. If you're wearing clothes that look like you've just got out of bed, or if you wear a pound of make-up with fluffy high-heels, people won't take you seriously. If you look like you're ready to get things done, people will know what to expect from you. A good motto is "Dress for Success." This will let people respect you more.
   
2. Demeanor. You give away a lot before you ever open your mouth. Try not to be easy to read, even if you are nervous or uncertain. Keep your shoulders squared and your chin up. Even if you are confused, you can be confident. There's no shame in asking questions. Try to look people in the eye. This can be hard for people who are naturally nervous or timid, but it shows people that you don't intend to be brushed off.
   
3. Voice. Use a clear, calm voice. You don't need to be loud, but you do need to make yourself heard. If people aren't noticing you and you need service, say clearly "Excuse me?". Also, whatever you are trying to say, try to be concise.
   
4. Know what you want. People can tell if you already know what you want out of them, and it's much easier for them to do what you ask them if you can tell them clearly what that is. Whether you're speaking to an insurance agent or a waiter, their job is to serve you and you'll make their job about ten times easier if you know what you want.
   
5. Know when to hold 'em; know when to fold 'em. Like anything else in life, being assertive is about balance. If the waiter made a mistake and brought you something you're allergic to, speak up--and keep at it until the problem is corrected. But if a cashier growls at you, it's not your job to educate them on manners and customer service, so let it go. It's important to get what you deserve in life, but it's just as important to understand what it is that you deserve in the first place! Pick your battles.
   
6. Don't misdirect your frustration. If the airline counter agent tells you you must pay extra for your heavy bag, don't get angry at the agent! Your beef is with the airline's policy (and possibly your failure to read the fine print). Instead, treat the agent like an ally. If the policy was made available to you, apologize and ask for an exception. If you were never informed of the policy, say so, and ask for an exception. Either way, the agent herself did you no harm, so do not direct your frustration at her! She is not the aggressor; she's your potential ally. So treat her well and negotiate respectfully...then take the matter up with the airline's customer service agents.
   

Tips

• If you're about to engage in an important encounter, like asking for a raise or getting out of an unhealthy relationship, ask a friend to role-play with you. Practice what you are going to say, and have your friend give you feedback. If you aren't assertive enough, try it again. This works best if the friend knows the person with whom you're about to engage.
  
• Being assertive does not mean that you should be rude. People are more willing to help and bend for someone who is both direct and respectful
  
• If you're doing everything right and whoever you're talking to isn't getting you anywhere, ask to talk to their superior and be very insistent. Most of the time you'll see immediate results.
  
• Do not be afraid to ask questions. This way, in the future, the same person you are talking to will know, you know what you are talking about.
  
• Remember that even if you don't know everything, you can still be certain of what you expect.
  
• Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what you think, but do so in a polite way. Speak your mind.
  
• If you have to deliver bad news, don't offer unnecessary details. If you explain every single reason for your decision, the other person can use those reasons as negotiation points. Your decision is firm, and this will come across most clearly if you are short and to the point.
  
• Avoid having to put your foot in your mouth! Ask for what you want, and be assertive--but choose your words so that you can walk away from the encounter with your dignity, no matter what the outcome.
  
• How willing are you to help someone who is yelling at you? Not very, right? Anger and belittlement are not only rude, they're completely ineffective. Do not resort to these tactics; they simply don't work.
  
• Remember the big picture. True assertiveness, as opposed to pushiness, allows you to come away from any situation respectably. Pushy people may win battles, but only assertive people win wars. (And only assertive people keep the respect of their peers after a conflict.)
  

Warnings

• While you can use these techniques on authority figures, such as police officers and military officers, know where to draw the line. Arguing too much on the spot can backfire, even if you have a good case.
  
• In confrontations especially, emotions can run high. Remember to be respectful and keep a cool head.
  
• The key to success in confrontations is to use an appropriate tone of voice and the correct words. Speak to someone like you would like to be spoken to!
  
• Try asking first; don't demand things right off the bat. Gather information and make the other person an ally. If that approach doesn't work, then you may put your foot down. Rule out miscommunications first--make sure the person actually slighted you, and knowingly, before you come out with guns blazing. You wouldn't try to kill a fly with a shotgun, would you?
  
• Remember, be friendly, because if not, you won't be assertive, you'll just be a jerk.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Have Good Manners
  
• How to Be Proud, Not Cocky and Conceited
  
• How to Be Likable
  
• How to Be an Excellent Leader
  
• How to Be Polite at a Dinner
  
• How to Be Sincere
  

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